Kerjaya vs. Keluarga

This post is inspired by Mommy Lyna, who has gone back to work after a few months (or had it been a year) of long leave. This thing has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now, and it has even gave me nightmares.

Before I start, let me tell you one thing. It might be easier for other people to make decision if they were in my shoes as they might have different goal in life, but I am a very family-oriented person. And at such, I'm very unwilling to sacrifice my family for anything regardless of countless lectures from some friends or even families who wants to see me to be financially independent and not depending on my husband to provide even a grain of rice.

As you might or might not know, I'm currently on unpaid maternity leave. I first took leave for half a year after my official maternity leave. When it was about to end and I still can't get a job here in Penang, I extended the leave for another year. The problem with me is, I'm only looking for a government job, and it's not that easy to get here in Penang especially with my post, or shall I say, specialization. I was -or shall I say at this moment still am - a landscape architect with a federal government post, and unfortunately the company doesn't have any branch outside KL. So transfer is definitely NOT an option for me. I tried applying for the local council post a couple of times since I was still single,  but luck was never on my side. They usually have only one opening in a few years, so the job is not my best option for now.

My leave is ending in about 2 months time and I'm in such dilemma whether to go back to work alone, living my two boys behind and only see them during the weekends until God knows when. Nanti mesti Irfan dah tak kenal mama dia. And not forgetting my experience for long-distance marriage since the first day I got married and throughout my whole pregnancy, one thing I could say, IT SUCKS! Should I just quit the job and continue being a SAHM, with no financial independence? The only good things about the job in KL is the money (it's not much but enough), plus it's a secured job. But I will lose out on family time, and that's very very important to me now that I'm a mother. Like I said, family comes 1st on my list of priorities.

We've thought of another option, for my hubby to move to KL with me. But I think that would not solve the matters as well, as if he's to get transferred there we'd be working in two different continents (or at least it feels like it), and we'd still lose out on our family time. Sedangkan sekarang where his work place is only 5-10 minutes drive from home pun he comes back home usually after 8pm, imagine how it would be if he works in Cyberjaya while I work in Sentul, I can't imagine Irfan growing up with strangers instead of his own family. At least if I can get a job in Penang we can send him to his grandparents, takla susah hati sangat nak tinggal pun. Another thing about that job in KL is that I have to travel to site, and I can guarantee there's no such luck to get all projects located in KL only. According to my previous experience, I've had to travel to Kedah, Kuantan and Kota Tiinggi, Johor among other places. I can't imagine leaving my son behind, tapi takkan nak bawak dia follow me to site pulak kan. Oh god, this is such a hard decision to make!

My current option is to apply for extension of leave again, but I guess the chance of it being approved is 50percent, as our current KP is going to retire in this very month. I hope my leave will be extended, but that would only solve the problem in short term. Should I just apply for ANY job in Penang as long as can get paid, or should I be a SAHM and totally depend on hubby for all my life? I do have this urge sometimes to be financially independent, as I've had a taste of my own money before, and I have to admit that it's very hard to be dependent on others even your own husband to get what you want, or to give whatever you desire for your child. Of course if my husband is filthy rich, that would've been a different story altogether, but with one income now we get by with basic necessities and a little bit extra now and then, but we have to think about the expenses involved when the time comes to expand the family and the kid's life when they grow up, right?

I'm in such a lost now, I hope Allah will open up the best way for me. Ameen.